Going towards the light

Your eyes,
redolent with emotion
draw me to you,
two lighthouses in a sea of hookah smoke
and I’m just a boat bobbing on the stormy waves,
rising and sinking,
perpetual motion.

That warm golden glow
brings me to a harbor so safe and home-like
that I do not mind
brushing against the jagged rocks on my way in.

There might be a few holes in my ship now,
the wood weathered and beaten,
even cracked at the heart,
I’m glad I made it
to you.




Daily Prompt: Redolent



It’s been so long since I’ve been here and written that I feel like a stranger coming back to a place that used to be home but now feels like a surreal dream. Especially since I see that the Daily Prompt is inexplicably gone. That was one of my favorite things about WordPress – one random word given a day to meditate on and to create with. Some of my favorite prompts and pieces of writing have come from the Daily Prompt, its absence feels unnatural on here.

To be fair though, today is a sort of unnatural sort of day for me. I am not at work, counting down the hours and then minutes until the end of the day. I am at home, having called in sick although I am not physically sick. I wouldn’t describe myself as mentally “sick” either, just very lost, confused, with a compass that keeps spinning and can’t find True North.

So I called off work. Slept until 10 am. Showered using my lovely lavender soap. Read a book while eating breakfast and drank tea on my porch. And spent two hours emotionally bloodletting, writing in my journal trying to pin down the mess in my head onto a physical space.

I wrote words that were difficult, words I had been avoiding and not wanting to admit, words that pierced me as wrote them, words that made me break down sobbing, words that helped me gain clarity.

My compass is still spinning, but slower, and I’m finally beginning to see True North. My roots were all over the place yesterday, thirstily reaching for anything and everything, but today I have let them sink down and ground myself. To feel myself again.

And a part of being myself is writing, creating. I forgot that. I’ve been caught too long in work, hopelessness, other people, both the positive and negative ones. I want to re-claim myself. And I can only do that by being honest with myself.

So my goal for my writing and my life right now is to be more honest with myself, with my words, thoughts, and feelings. Life is difficult right now, due to far too many factors, but writing my true thoughts and feelings has helped some of the knots around my heart release and I feel some of my wholeness again.



Volcanic Woman

My core is unsettled.

Shifting fault lines
that tease and push against
the magma bubbling underneath.
Potential volcano,
but I’m trying to soothe the friction,
lower the pressure,
stop my tectonic plates from

I inhale, exhale
to bring my core back into Balance.
Standing tall,
focusing on the trees extending from my fingers,
the hills rolling over my hips,
the grasses swaying with my hair,
the clouds rising from my lips,
my core settling, settling…
…Am I settling?

Maybe an eruption is what I need.


via Daily Prompt: Core

Saturday afternoon coffee thoughts

Yet another weekend afternoon where coffee is not an option, but a necessity. I feel that during the week all the sleep that I miss builds up and hits me full force on the weekends, because although last night I got a nice nine hours of sleep, today I just feel worn down. Hence, caffeine!

It’s 77 degrees outside apparently and I am excited to get outside and enjoy this gorgeous weather, although it is quite a bit too warm for spring. However, it is perfect weather to lie outside underneath a shady tree. 🙂 The earth is smelling wonderful now and is full of life wriggling about, and nature has begun to weave sprightly green vines into her hair. The air molecules have unfrozen and swiftly fly through my nose and fill up my lungs, making me light and full of energy. The bees that have survived through the past pesticide-full year have come back to enjoy their symbiotic relationship with the flowers. And the flowers! Sunny daffodils and heart-red tulips, delicate white flowering trees, and cheerful dandelions are all unfurled and basking in the warmth.

And now that the caffeine has sufficiently blocked my adenosine receptors, I’m going to head out and step into Spring. 🙂

Writing to write

Unlike most of my posts, this one doesn’t really have a set purpose or theme, I just woke up today and really wanted to write on here. I also just drank some coffee so I am feeling really, really good since I normally don’t drink coffee on the weekends, as usually a good night’s sleep is an equal substitute for caffeine for me. But today was one of those days where I really needed a boost and tea wasn’t enough so here we are.

A lot has happened in my life recently. From changing jobs, quite drastically too – I went from being front desk at a dental office to working in the mortgage industry, to telling my parents about my secret (almost) 7 year relationship and the fact that I’m moving out, to actually (just yesterday) signing for our house and starting the process of getting things in order, it’s been a whirlwind of change. I like it though, because it feels like my life is going forward and things are happening, so even though it’s a bit overwhelming at times, it also feels really good to finally be doing things I only dreamed I would be able to do. It makes me want to work on more goals, and make those happen as well.

And I’m trying to, slowly but surely. Even with writing – two years ago I went from wishing all the time that I could properly sit down and write for a period of time to actually being able to do it. Of course this is a back-and-forth process, as can be seen from my posting history. Two years ago I learned how to sit down and write in general, and now my challenge will be to learn how to write while I am employed and have less free time.

Because it was when I got a job last year that I stopped writing because I would be so tired from work and wanted to spend all of my time either watching TV or going outside. But writing is important to me to, it feels so rewarding to put words down on paper, whether it be with pen or me typing on my computer (as I am right now). Because my words are my voice, and it is something that is truly my own, that does not exist until I express it.

I’ve recently started writing in the morning before work, my morning pages. This is in a journal just for myself, as one of the books I am reading recommended writing in the morning as a way of getting rid of the “mental junk” swirling in your head in order to have better focus on tasks throughout the day, consciously address unconscious thoughts, and as way of having some solace and a time of meditation before venturing out into the busy, bustling world.

Although this means I have to get up about half an hour earlier than I usually do, and I loooove sleeping in, I’ve actually have really enjoyed the experience of writing my morning pages. I’ll be sitting in bed with my tea and oatmeal besides me, enjoying my handwriting as it appears on the page and the light of the morning on the paper, swimming in the world of words I create. It’s also given me more time to properly “wake up” before I start my day, instead of heading to work with my mind still half asleep.

One of the goals I’ve had forever, since about junior high, has been to write a novel and I think that this is the year I will finally attempt it. Two years ago, I started seriously working on my self-discipline because before that I really had none, which is why in high school and college I would leave studying for exams, working on essays and projects until the very last minute, or not do them at all. All of my goals seemed incredibly difficult to even start on and hopelessly unattainable, and I just felt helpless. But I kept telling myself things that others had told me: you just need to start. Once you start, it is easier to keep going, but you need to start.

Around that time in my life my body started feeling pretty weak because my lifestyle was really sedentary, and I really disliked that feeling so I started pushing myself physically. I actually wrote about this in one of my earliest blog posts, how in the morning (or whenever I woke up), before eating breakfast, I would get up and go for a walk or a bike ride, forcing my body to move and exert effort before it had eaten. Although it was really difficult, breakfast never felt more rewarding.

I took this physical exertion to the next level in the fall by joining the gym. I had never thought before that time that I would ever join the gym, I was just not that kind of person. But the gym helped me immensely. I was unemployed during that time and had lots of free time so I would go to the gym. I loved it right away, because even though it was really difficult for me, the endorphins I would feel afterwards were wonderful. I also loved going to the classes they offered – that’s when I started my yoga class that is now something I look forward to every week and never fails to make me feel amazing.

The gym is what really taught me discipline and the importance of routine. It also wonderfully tired me out so that I didn’t lay awake for hours and hours with thoughts swirling in my mind, I was able to fall asleep. Which in turn helped fix my sleep schedule so that I was no longer waking up at 3pm, 4pm. And all of this combined helped me start writing on here. And once I started writing on here, and writing became less of an overwhelming thing, I started writing cover letters and applying for jobs. And got a job.

Which is unfortunately when my writing stopped – around March last year. The job was a good for a short time, but quickly became very stressful. It was an incredibly negative environment. My co-workers were cliquish and cold, my boss negative and blaming, the training inadequate. I had my first panic attack ever my first month of work, at work no less. It was horrible.

Things did improve eventually, I eventually became quite friendly with my coworkers and boss and learned how to do everything perfectly, but it was still an unnecessarily negative environment with all the office politics. I was going to quit completely last fall, but my boss offered me more money so I stayed part time. I was happier and considerably less stressed for a while, but eventually key changes, especially the loss of certain personnel made it clear that it was time to leave.

And I found a new job and did. And it’s wonderful (so far). Unfortunately the pay is not great, but the environment is wonderful. I made friends faster here in 2 weeks then I did at my old job in 6 months, people here are more positive, friendly, and mature enough to not create drama in the office. It’s been wonderful and now I’m at a point where I feel at a good enough place mentally to seriously start working on projects outside of work, like writing.

And so this year I will be working on writing blog posts on here, a novel, and a poetry book. I have other projects I want to do as well, and that I will hopefully start soon, but these are the ones I want to really focus on.

And now after writing this short novella of a blog post, I am going to head outside and enjoy this lovely sunny spring weather. 🙂

Classic twist, I think I’m falling for you


It’s a Saturday afternoon, and I’m sitting at my desk with my hair freshly washed, looking out the window at this gray day and just smiling and vibing to this song as it plays on my computer. Closing my eyes I imagine I’m at the beach underneath a swaying tree, watching bright blue waves crash against the shore, hands absentmindedly playing with sand. My head and feet move on their own to the beat, getting lost in the metronome.