I often wonder what it’s like to live in a supportive household. What it would be like to have parents who said things to encourage me instead of to tear me down. What it would be like to have my actual efforts acknowledged instead of having my inadequacies thrown into my face.
I’m at a point in my life where I’m in between jobs and not sure of what I want to do career-wise (which has made it so difficult to even decide which jobs to apply to), working on cover letters and applications, cognizant of my student loans that have to be paid, and yet all of that, all of those very real concerns, do not compare in the slightest to how stressed I feel when I interact with my family. I’m at a point where I literally can not tell them absolutely anything about my job search, because anything I say, even if it is positive like the fact that three companies have reached out to tell me they are reviewing my application, will be thrown back in my face. Every single thing that comes out of their mouths is negative, and makes this whole process incredibly more difficult. Because now I not only have to juggle job searching and applying, I have to juggle my mental health as well. I have to fight against the self-doubt, the feelings of hopelessness, the emotional and physical exhaustion, and the general apathy that sets in when they talk to me.
I am naturally a very positive, cheerful person. I am naturally an optimistic, hopeful person. But all of that completely reverses after interacting with my parents. All of that falls apart. And then for the thousandth time I have to pick myself back up, I have to remind myself that I’m doing this work for me, not for them. I have to do my best to bring back my mental stability, my mental clarity. It’s like I’m fighting an uphill battle, and I’ve also got a bull that’s trying to push me off the hill at the same time. It’s exhausting.
That’s what’s happening right now. But it’s the Spring Equinox, and I’m hopeful for a change. I will keep working hard, and I am hopeful some good will come out of it.