Toxic friends

Toxic friends
burn like stomach acid
when you’ve thrown up.
Even with them out of your system,
a rancid taste lingers in your mouth.

Your stomach is empty and hungry,
begging to be filled.
But while it may be quick and easy
to fill it with chips and cookies,
only a nourishing meal
will truly satiate it.

So you wash and peel and chop the vegetables,
grease the frying pan,
throw down some garlic and spices,
listen for that sensuous sizzle before
adding zucchini, red peppers, broccoli, tomatoes,
while in the other pot you have rice cooking,
and in another pan a fat fillet of salmon
needing to be turned over,
lemon juice squeezed,
black pepper ground.

Time and effort pay off
and deliver you a meal that satisfies all your senses.

Time and effort make you forget
that rancid meat
that looked so appetizing on the surface,
so delectable to chew,
but once inside you,
poisoned you.

Time and effort bring friends into your life
who are nourishing,
and nontoxic.

Family

I often wonder what it’s like to live in a supportive household. What it would be like to have parents who said things to encourage me instead of to tear me down. What it would be like to have my actual efforts acknowledged instead of having my inadequacies thrown into my face.

I’m at a point in my life where I’m in between jobs and not sure of what I want to do career-wise (which has made it so difficult to even decide which jobs to apply to), working on cover letters and applications, cognizant of my student loans that have to be paid, and yet all of that, all of those very real concerns, do not compare in the slightest to how stressed I feel when I interact with my family. I’m at a point where I literally can not tell them absolutely anything about my job search, because anything I say, even if it is positive like the fact that three companies have reached out to tell me they are reviewing my application, will be thrown back in my face. Every single thing that comes out of their mouths is negative, and makes this whole process incredibly more difficult. Because now I not only have to juggle job searching and applying, I have to juggle my mental health as well. I have to fight against the self-doubt, the feelings of hopelessness, the emotional and physical exhaustion, and the general apathy that sets in when they talk to me.

I am naturally a very positive, cheerful person. I am naturally an optimistic, hopeful person. But all of that completely reverses after interacting with my parents. All of that falls apart. And then for the thousandth time I have to pick myself back up, I have to remind myself that I’m doing this work forΒ me, not for them. I have to do my best to bring back my mental stability, my mental clarity. It’s like I’m fighting an uphill battle, and I’ve also got a bull that’s trying to push me off the hill at the same time. It’s exhausting.

That’s what’s happening right now. But it’s the Spring Equinox, and I’m hopeful for a change. I will keep working hard, and I am hopeful some good will come out of it.

Rumination

Rumination is an intoxicating drink
that makes you want to think and think and think
because maybe if I think enough I can solve this,
he will love me,
she will forgive me,
they will give me another chance.

Rumination, empty sensation,
a tangled knot that won’t unravel
no matter how much you tug on the string.

Rumination, hurricane of worry
with an Eye so calm the air is paralyzed,
while self-indulgent chaos destroys genuine action,
thoughts spiraling out and out
breaking connections.

Rumination, where obsession becomes your possession,
cherished and played with all day
while life is gradually swept away.

Let go of the spinning top
and let the momentum settle,
there is only so much you can do,
the rest is up to Them.

 

via Daily Prompt: Ruminate

We’re drying up

Like locusts swarming wheat,
they poured into the watering hole,
filling it up with their heaving, desperate bodies
and purging it of that precious liquid
that once lazily laid
in trenches, canals, channels,
soaking in its own molecules
indulging in its own wetness.

Now that once moisturized earth has chapped lips,
dry and cracked from drought
and overuse, misuse, and pollution
of her most precious resource.

 

via Daily Prompt: Swarm

Doubt as a positive force

When I started looking up quotes on doubt to inspire me in writing this post, I found most were negative about doubt itself as a concept, or saw doubting as a negative, even harmful action. And to an extent these sayings are valid. The saying “Distance doesn’t ruin a relationship, doubts do” is true in that physical distance itself isn’t enough to destroy a relationship, there have to be strong thoughts/feelings which lead people to decide to dissolve their union, and these thoughts/feelings can indeed be doubts about the person or the relationship itself. And of course, in some cases it may be personal insecurity or jealousy that births these doubts, but sometimes doubt forms from just taking a honest look at a relationship and realizing you just aren’t compatible with the other person, that you each have different needs and goals that the other person can’t fulfill because of who they are as people. So definitely, doubt can be harmful if it comes from a place of insecurity, but it can also be helpful if it comes from a place of wanting honesty and clarity.

I believe that doubt can be a really beneficial tool when used in the right way. I believe that it is especially healthy to practice a degree of doubt when you examine your own beliefs and ideas about the world. To scrutinize your religious, social, political, cultural beliefs and ask yourself “Why do I believe this? Where did I get the information for these beliefs? How do I know that the source(s) is trustworthy and valid? What evidence have I seen that contradicts my beliefs? What are some of the different opinions about (x) topic? How much of what I believe was taught to me from birth and echoed around those in my family/community, whether explicitly or implicitly?”

Doubt can help us better ourselves as human beings by realizing which beliefs we hold are harmful, which beliefs are false, and which beliefs need to be changed if we want to live in reality. By trimming away these harmful or false ideas from our consciousness, we help ourselves flourish as more positive individuals and become fuller, more complex-thinking human beings.Β 

 

via Daily Prompt: Doubt

Finding my center

Finding my center of balance
I wiggle
wobble
and fall
face down onto the floor
Face pancake
Face red, face stinging, face making mountains of wrinkles,
Face broken into tears.

“It’s okay. It’s okay to fall. You don’t have to be perfect,
Try again.” My yoga teacher says,
her soothing voice sashaying
through my center,
finding my center.

I stand,
Tree position,
left foot against my right thigh,
palms together at my heart,
feeling my center.

My center is rooted,
steady,
and stretches like branches
through my head and legs.

via Daily Prompt: Center

Valentine’s Expectations

The picture at the top is the Cake of Love (my name for it lol) that my boyfriend and I made this weekend.

The picture here is what it was supposed to look like:

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Clearly, there is a bit of a difference. πŸ˜‰

We originally bought the cake mix a year ago as a matter of fact, but kept forgetting to actually make the cake. For an entire year somehow. Then, this past weekend, when my boyfriend drove down to see me for our own Valentine’s weekend, he brought the cake with him, determined to finally make it. Which turned out to be perfect as it was about to expire.

The cake took more effort than was expected since we couldn’t find the two attachable beaters for the electric mixer, and thus had to use a whisk. Both the cake mix and the glaze had to be whisked up separately, so we got quite an arm workout.

At last came the moment where I poured the glaze over the cake, which cooled much faster than I expected. Cooling made the the glaze more goopy than liquid, and the last bit of it formed funny deformed lumps on the cake. Although our cake doesn’t look like the perfect cake on the box, it is a cake that my boyfriend and I had made together and so to me it is splendid. πŸ™‚

Sometimes things don’t turn out how you expected, but they can still be yummy. πŸ™‚

 

via Daily Prompt: Expectation