Toxic friends

Toxic friends
burn like stomach acid
when you’ve thrown up.
Even with them out of your system,
a rancid taste lingers in your mouth.

Your stomach is empty and hungry,
begging to be filled.
But while it may be quick and easy
to fill it with chips and cookies,
only a nourishing meal
will truly satiate it.

So you wash and peel and chop the vegetables,
grease the frying pan,
throw down some garlic and spices,
listen for that sensuous sizzle before
adding zucchini, red peppers, broccoli, tomatoes,
while in the other pot you have rice cooking,
and in another pan a fat fillet of salmon
needing to be turned over,
lemon juice squeezed,
black pepper ground.

Time and effort pay off
and deliver you a meal that satisfies all your senses.

Time and effort make you forget
that rancid meat
that looked so appetizing on the surface,
so delectable to chew,
but once inside you,
poisoned you.

Time and effort bring friends into your life
who are nourishing,
and nontoxic.

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In a purple state of mind

Purple is the color of passion
shivers of anxiety racing through my nerves
action potentials firing off

connecting-connecting-connecting-connecting-connecting-connecting-every neuron-connecting

dendritic chaotic fractals spiraling out
every inch of my skin is pricked,
shocked,
the electricity looking for a way out

My amygdala spits out emotion like a nail gun
my heart and brain under attack
Purple, purple
leaks out my eyes
and sails the sound waves out my mouth
while my brain changes like a chameleon:
Excited magenta
Melancholy violet
Dark, stormy aubergine

Sizzling and boiling, something is cooking.

via Daily Prompt: Purple

Family

I often wonder what it’s like to live in a supportive household. What it would be like to have parents who said things to encourage me instead of to tear me down. What it would be like to have my actual efforts acknowledged instead of having my inadequacies thrown into my face.

I’m at a point in my life where I’m in between jobs and not sure of what I want to do career-wise (which has made it so difficult to even decide which jobs to apply to), working on cover letters and applications, cognizant of my student loans that have to be paid, and yet all of that, all of those very real concerns, do not compare in the slightest to how stressed I feel when I interact with my family. I’m at a point where I literally can not tell them absolutely anything about my job search, because anything I say, even if it is positive like the fact that three companies have reached out to tell me they are reviewing my application, will be thrown back in my face. Every single thing that comes out of their mouths is negative, and makes this whole process incredibly more difficult. Because now I not only have to juggle job searching and applying, I have to juggle my mental health as well. I have to fight against the self-doubt, the feelings of hopelessness, the emotional and physical exhaustion, and the general apathy that sets in when they talk to me.

I am naturally a very positive, cheerful person. I am naturally an optimistic, hopeful person. But all of that completely reverses after interacting with my parents. All of that falls apart. And then for the thousandth time I have to pick myself back up, I have to remind myself that I’m doing this work forΒ me, not for them. I have to do my best to bring back my mental stability, my mental clarity. It’s like I’m fighting an uphill battle, and I’ve also got a bull that’s trying to push me off the hill at the same time. It’s exhausting.

That’s what’s happening right now. But it’s the Spring Equinox, and I’m hopeful for a change. I will keep working hard, and I am hopeful some good will come out of it.

Spring is almost here! :)

I was walking in the woods by my house today, reveling in the warmth of the sunshine, listening to birds chatter, looking at the glistening clumps of snow slowly dissolve, feeling excited because the first signs of spring have started to sprout through the earth. πŸ™‚

And in the air! When I was trying to get a closer look a red cardinal who was joyfully singing, I noticed some small hints of green in the shrubs along the path. Taking a closer look I saw that these were small buds that had just recently burst open (picture above). These tiny, delicate reservoirs of life seemed so happy and cheerful in the sunlight, as if they were eager to get started on growing and developing.

Although the trees haven’t yet joined in in opening their buds, their branches were still full of life with birds and squirrels and other little animals flitting about. I watched a few wood peckers working hard to get a tasty treat, their beaks drumming against the trees like natural percussion players. Meanwhile squirrels scampered from tree to tree, their fluffy tails gracefully flowing with every hop and leap.

I stood next to a tree and rested against its dry, warm bark imagining a dryad sleeping inside, only to awaken on the Spring Equinox in four days. My boots sunk in the squishy, squelching mud as I gazed at the shadow of the tree’s branches on the ground, stretching out like lung bronchi. The air felt like a heart starting back up after cardiac arrest, pulsating with stronger and stronger life force, Spring just around the corner πŸ™‚

Tree and Me
 

Job rejection

I am searching for a job right now, and the other day I found out that I didn’t get the job I was certain I would get. It’s left me feeling confused mostly, because I firmly believe that I was more than qualified for that position, which is not a feeling I often have.

I often doubt my abilities, my skills, even after all the positive feedback I’ve received from my past employers. When getting complimented I would think “Oh, they’re exaggerating” even when it was clear they were being genuine. So I am not the type of person to believe they are going get every job they apply for or that they are always “the best candidate for the position.”

That’s why, this rejection is all the more frustrating for me, because I was positive I was a great fit for the job when usually I don’t feel this way. I had an interview and I thought it went great; I provided full, elaborate answers, I affirmed that I would be able to comply with the traveling and other job requirements, I was friendly and cordial and thanked the interviewer at the end of the interview. Unfortunately, the person I was speaking to was not the one doing the hiring (it was a phone interview), they were only transcribing my answers and I worry that what had happened was that parts of my answers might’ve gotten lost in their transcription, as they admitted they were a slow typist.

What is frustrating to me is that there no one for me to contact to ask why I was not selected, as the person who interviewed me had nothing to do with the hiring process and the email that was sent which said I was not selected for the job states at the bottom not to reply to it. This is very frustrating to me because more than being upset that I did not get the job, I would just like to know why I was not selected.

Unfortunately it seems I will not get an answer to this question, and in the meantime I have to keep applying. If you read all this, thank you, and please let me know if you’ve had a similar experience because I would very much appreciate other people’s thoughts on this. πŸ™‚

Basking in stillness and sun

I’m sitting in the library right now, listening to the wind roar outside while simultaneously soaking in the quiet inside πŸ™‚ The sun is shining through blinds creating a lovely segmented shadow across this large wooden table. It shines into my cup of French vanilla coffee mixed with hot chocolate and makes the tiny bubbles of foam sparkle delicately against the white cup.Β 

I came here to work, but now find myself becoming a part of the stillness, and just enjoying the fruits of my sensory systems. The warmth of sun on my skin makes me dream of spring and summer, of days spent lying on a blanket outside, watching the clouds swim by. My mind joins in the relaxation of my muscles and it becomes more laborious to write these words. I think I’ll take a nap.

Rumination

Rumination is an intoxicating drink
that makes you want to think and think and think
because maybe if I think enough I can solve this,
he will love me,
she will forgive me,
they will give me another chance.

Rumination, empty sensation,
a tangled knot that won’t unravel
no matter how much you tug on the string.

Rumination, hurricane of worry
with an Eye so calm the air is paralyzed,
while self-indulgent chaos destroys genuine action,
thoughts spiraling out and out
breaking connections.

Rumination, where obsession becomes your possession,
cherished and played with all day
while life is gradually swept away.

Let go of the spinning top
and let the momentum settle,
there is only so much you can do,
the rest is up to Them.

 

via Daily Prompt: Ruminate