Depressed Motivation

Yesterday while I was horribly depressed, I found the motivation to finally start working on my novel and wrote more than 1000 words in an hour and a half.

I never expected such a thing because immediately when I woke up I was terribly, terribly low. I actually tried to continue sleeping just because of how badly I did not want to be awake. Eventually, because I was hungry, I forced myself up and forced myself to eat something, even though I had no actual desire for it. I had gotten into a fight with my partner the night before which left our relationship in a precarious state, and even before that argument I had been feeling awfully depressed due to a recent injury that left me unable to walk for a few days, and also do to just the existential and practical question of what am I doing with my life?

All of that combined into a painful, toxic cocktail and although I recognized yesterday I should do something to fix that noxious feeling, I had no energy or motivation to do anything, not even to get dressed and step outside.

Everything was shit and nothing mattered, I felt that feeling deeply in my soul. There was no space in my mind for any optimism, any good thoughts. I couldn’t even escape from that feeling with TV like I usually would – all my favorite shows seemed like shit as well.

And so, I decided since everything was shit and nothing mattered, I might as well start writing my novel, since it is the one goal I’ve ever wanted to accomplish and if it turned out to be shit it didn’t matter since everything was shit anyway and so it was to be expected.

Normally my perfectionist and fearful side would have prevented me from writing, as when I’ve tried to write my novel before I’ve just sat there thinking of ideas but then negating them all in hopes of thinking of something better, in hopes of all of sudden having a world as rich in detail as J.K. Rowling’s pop into my head. This time, however, I just didn’t care – I didn’t care if all the words I put on the page turned out to be useless, I just wanted to get words onto the page.

I hadn’t thought of the story at all aside from a few elements that I want to be present, I had/have no idea yet as to the plot, cast of characters, or even what the world they exist in is like. I didn’t let that stop me. I just wrote, and made up as I went along, and reached over 1000 words. 🙂

I had never done something like that before. Writing on here is one thing – it is easy to express my thoughts/opinions or describe experiences – crafting a novel from scratch is an entirely other thing. As I was writing it yesterday, I felt myself being absorbed more into the story, and thinking about what kind of world it is that my characters are existing in and now I have a vague notion of at least a corner of that world. And now I at least have something to work with, instead of just an empty page. 🙂

Doing this was very rewarding, and it actually helped me feel like perhaps everything wasn’t shit. It was so wonderful – being excited and curious about something again!

Everything in my personal life is still precarious – my partner and I still haven’t spoken and I still don’t have an answer to the question of what am I doing with my life. Because of this, I still feel a wobbly, but now I at least have something to hold on to.

 

Lady in Green

Lady in green
her hair unbound and rippling
like fields of wheat

Her eyes
Two sapphire-blue lakes
sparkling in the sun

Her arms
Two swaying branches
cradling birds

Her legs
Strong, powerful, carrying her
over any mountain

Her lips
are quick to smile and laugh
like a bubbling brook

Lady in green
glowing with sunshine,
flowing with forests.

 

 

Word of the Day Challenge: Lady

Image source

Finding Peace in Dark Skies

Tonight I tried something different.

I was feeling pretty shitty. I had gotten into an argument with my partner, I hadn’t been able to do the things I had planned to do today, and overall I’ve been dealing with nagging thoughts about things I need to do and questions to which I don’t have the answers to just yet. I was feeling frustrated, upset, and just down in general. Nothing really appealed to me. Even watching the latest episode of my favorite trash TV show (90 Day Fiance anyone?) had no appeal.

Lying on the couch my eyes were drawn through the blinds to the ominous dark clouds outside. I felt myself being pulled out of the house, my eyes wanted to gaze deeper into the smoky grey depths, I wanted to feel the breeze swaying the trees, I wanted to be able to smell the air if it rained.

My porch is very small, we don’t have a chair out there because it would block the door. Usually I just sit on one of the steps, which is also a popular place for spiders, ants, and other insects – not exactly an enjoyable experience.

In a moment of brilliance I remembered a small folding chair my parents had given me last summer, which had just been stored in the basement the whole time. I grabbed the chair and my tea and headed outside.

I don’t have much of a view from my porch – in exchange for cheaper rent, the area that I live in has older houses where outside maintenance is not the main priority. Still, the important thing is that I can see the sky

The few times that I’ve braved the insects on my porch step I’ve unfortunately spent most of the time looking at my phone – I have a terrible habit of just scrolling endlessly on Reddit when I am bored.

But today I looked up. I watched the undulating storm clouds, watched their shape-shifting aerobics, saw their feathery hands shake the branches of the trees. I paid attention to the changing light: first heavily dark, then patchy with light, finally just slightly tinted pink from the sunset.

I gazed at the clouds and something quite wonderful happened: I started to relax. My worries and frustrations melted in my brain. My thoughts transformed from upset words to feelings of awe at the beautifully angry sky. The cool, fresh breeze felt like a caress against my face and I breathed in deeply to fill my lungs with its sweet smell. The longer I sat there watching the encroaching darkness turn evening to night, the more I relaxed. The more I sat there and enjoyed just witnessing the living beauty around me (and of course, the soothing warmth and taste of my tea) the more positive my thoughts became. Until, eventually, surrounded by more darkness than light, I felt at peace.

That feeling has carried and inspired me to write tonight, when earlier I had completely given up the hope of doing so.

And now the sky has broken open and the rain is pouring down, tapping and pattering against the house. 🙂

Glimpse

Social media gives us only a glimpse
into others’ lives

and we know it.

But why do we process that corner
as being the entire cube?

There is an entire dimension
that we don’t see.

Worries, frustrations, insecurities, disappointments, failures, fears,
all lie
beneath that 2D smile,
those carefully construed words.

 
“The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.”

And so are we.

 

Word of the Day Challenge: Glimpse

Why Elephants Are So Important

I have always been enthralled and have had a deep-seated affection towards elephants. I think they are one of the most remarkable animals on earth for many reasons:

1)They are the largest land animals on Earth (males can grow up to 4 meters and weigh up to 7 tonnes!)

2) Their trunks are strong enough rip off branches of trees but also gentle and sensitive enough to pick up a single blade of grass.

3) They are incredibly intelligent: they can recognize themselves in a mirror (which very few animals can do), they can identify different human languages and the gender of the speaker, they have extraordinary memories (they can remember routes to watering holes and other elephants over incredibly long stretches of time and space), and they can use tools.

4) They are also very emotionally intelligent: they mourn their dead, reassure other elephants in times of distress,  and they perform greeting ceremonies to welcome back a friend that has been away for a while from the rest of the group.

Elephants are also incredibly cute – here‘s a video of a baby elephant taking a bath for the first time. 🙂  And here‘s a video of an entire herd running to greet a new rescued baby elephant. 🙂

Unfortunately, these incredible, majestic creatures are being killed at alarming rates (estimated at 36,000 a year and there are estimated to be only 415,000 left in the wild) for only one reason: human desire for ivory.

It is incredibly disgusting and tragic that these amazing creatures are being slaughtered for their tusks, not only from a purely animal appreciation and conservation perspective, but also from an environmental one.

Elephants are a keystone species, meaning that ecosystem that they are a part of depends largely on their existence and would be radically different without them. This is because of everything that elephants do for their environments:

1. Elephants are essential to forest health: Elephants travel incredibly large distances, and in their travels help distribute the seeds of trees – there are dozens of species of trees that rely on elephants as their primary means of seed distribution. And the benefits of trees and healthy, diverse forests can not be overstated: they are the habitats of many animals, they help in the fight against global warming by taking in carbon dioxide, many tree species provide fruit and traditional medicine for local people living in those areas.
2. Elephants are ecosystem “landscapers“: they push over trees which allows other plants/vegetation to grow (which provides food for smaller animals that can’t reach tops of trees), they excavate waterholes, and fertilize land – all things which benefit other animals as well.

If you want to help these wonderful and beneficial animals, there are many things that you can do:

1. Don’t buy, sell, or wear ivory and support an unequivocal and permanent ivory ban.
2. Foster an elephant at the David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust for as little as $50 a year.
3. Donate to the cause:  Money donated is used to help fund anti-poaching teams, provide vet care to injured elephants, educate local communities about the importance of wildlife and spread the message through advertising, marketing and events. One great organization is Save the Elephants.
4. Practice responsible tourism, i.e. avoid tourism that encourages animals to behave unnaturally (anything from giving rides or massages, walking with you or dancing in a circus). Elephants are not naturally tame, and are put through cruel, barbaric training to teach them these skills. If you want to experience elephants in a humane way, visit elephant sanctuaries like Elephant Nature Park and Boon Lott’s Elephant Sanctuary.

 

 

Word of the Day Challenge: Elephant

Sunshine

Head is a mess
and I’m borderline depressed,
but there’s sunshine on my skin
and I’m feeling it soak in.

The spiraling complexity
of this Fibonacci mentality
makes it hard to breathe
and find reprieve.

But the sunlight feels warm
in the Eye of the storm
and I dissociate from reality
and take in this tranquility.

And it’s comforting to know,
no matter how it goes,
this sunlight is unfaltering,
an optimistic offering.

 

 

(Photo by me, taken at a park 🙂 )