Perfectionism

Recently I’ve come to really realize how intense of a perfectionist I am and how stifling and damaging that type of mentality is. I guess I should’ve realized this because I’ve always had an all-or-nothing approach, i.e. if something I create is not absolutely perfect, than it is not worth making at all, it is trash. Of course, high standards for your work are good to have, but when perfection is the goal, which is clearly unattainable because everything can be perfected upon, it causes demotivation and feeling like what’s the point of trying when you’ll never be good enough. Because that’s what a perfectionist mindset constantly tells you: that you’re never good enough. No matter what you do, how much you try, you are never good enough.

Now, I can logically explain to myself all day why such a mindset is unrealistic, unhealthy, flawed, and that I am good enough just as is, but my perfectionist mentality does not want to listen to such logic and reason. It stubbornly and insistently believes 1) perfection is attainable and 2) I will never attain it so I might as well give up on my goals. My perfectionist voice looks at messages of “You are enough” and “It’s okay to make mistakes” and scoffs at them. It tells me, “Perhaps that is acceptable for other people, not for you.” As I write these words I can see very clearly how absolutely ridiculous such a mentality is, but does that change my perfectionist beliefs and the words of my inner voice? No, it does not.

That is because over the years I haven’t really challenged that voice. I may put up a feeble attempt every now and then, but I have largely allowed that voice to rule my mind with authoritarian control. My goal this year and the next is to challenge that voice more strongly and consistently. After all, the bright side of things is that the brain is plastic, meaning that it is malleable and capable of change. All that is required is consistent repetition of new messages over long stretches of time, i.e. how habits are formed. Me thinking in perfectionist ways is really nothing more than a mental habit, albeit a very strong mental habit reinforced over many years. Changing this habit will require that same level of commitment.

Writing is one of the ways that I confront my perfectionist tendencies. Because when I write, I am directly challenging that inner notion of “What you’re writing isn’t perfect, thus you might as well not even bother.” I am rarely satisfied with what I write, because it can always be improved on. However, when I write and then publish something on here, it is still gratifying because although imperfect, I have still created something. I am allowing myself room to breathe, room to be a little messy, just room, period.

Creative Focus

Waking up inspired,
eyes-focused,
Wired,
Bending towards Creation
with reverent supplication,
receiving and conceiving
creative hydration,
refreshing river invigorating my gray matter
quieting the chatter
of the Mad Hatter,
leaning in to Focus,
look inward and Notice
all that has been bubbling,
scrambling,
Struggling
to be released and unleashed,
it was hidden, not deceased,
a stimulating feast,
a potential masterpiece.

People-Pleasing

Sometimes the best way to come to terms with something negative about ourselves and to change it, is to admit it and write about it. So, this is what I’ve decided to do today (while cringing the entire time). One of the things that I’ve learned about myself this year is that I have a huge issue with people-pleasing. I used to consider this behavior as just being kind and thinking about others, instead of what it really is: letting people walk all over you.  

I’ve always had difficulty saying no to people because I feel like I’m letting them down or risking angering them, even when it comes to small things! Even when I sense I’m being illogical in thinking that me saying no to (x) small thing will damage the relationship, this does not stop my paranoid inner voice from insisting on just that. At which point I begin to question am I truly paranoid or is there really some truth to that voice? This thinking loop may lead to me saying yes just because that becomes the path of least resistance, and if I say yes at least then I can stop ruminating on whether I should say no.  

Every time I say yes when I don’t want to, I feel like I’ve let myself down. I feel acutely aware that I’m doing something I don’t want to do or speaking in a way that doesn’t actually reflect my values, but the values of those around me. It is a very unpleasant feeling. I usually try to rationalize it by thinking well, I might be sacrificing some integrity, but it’s more important that my interactions with others continue smoothly and peacefully, and well, I didn’t give that much in the end. Which I guess would be fine if I rarely behaved like that, instead of it being my instinctual response. For instance, when someone asks if I could do them a favor, my immediate response is “Yes”, when really it should be “What does it involve?”.  

Thus, this year I’m trying to say “No” more, and to wrap my head around the mind-blowing concept (to me), that I am, in fact, not responsible for how other people feel. That is to say, it not my job to make someone happy and try to regulate their emotions for them. I know for some people reading this this may seem incredibly obvious, but it is honestly a difficult concept for me. I am able to read people very easily and able to effortlessly intuit most of the time what they need or what would make them feel at ease. For example, when someone says something awkward in a group setting, I can feel them feel insecure and feel others silently judging them, and I will feel compelled to jump in and “save” them either by saying “oh, you mean (x)” ((x) being a more socially acceptable thing for the particular group) or by quickly changing the subject. Every time, I see the relief and gratitude in the person’s eyes when I do this. Of course, in such a situation I don’t lose any integrity by putting the other person at ease, but there are many situations where I do, and these are the situations where I really need to keep in mind that it is not my job to make others feel at ease.  

It is difficult and very uncomfortable for me to go against my people-pleasing instincts, but each time I do (after the initial unpleasant bit) I am rewarded with a feeling of greater self-worth. Each time it is a reminder that growth is horrendously uncomfortable, but 100% worth doing.