Recently I’ve come to really realize how intense of a perfectionist I am and how stifling and damaging that type of mentality is. I guess I should’ve realized this because I’ve always had an all-or-nothing approach, i.e. if something I create is not absolutely perfect, than it is not worth making at all, it is trash. Of course, high standards for your work are good to have, but when perfection is the goal, which is clearly unattainable because everything can be perfected upon, it causes demotivation and feeling like what’s the point of trying when you’ll never be good enough. Because that’s what a perfectionist mindset constantly tells you: that you’re never good enough. No matter what you do, how much you try, you are never good enough.
Now, I can logically explain to myself all day why such a mindset is unrealistic, unhealthy, flawed, and that I am good enough just as is, but my perfectionist mentality does not want to listen to such logic and reason. It stubbornly and insistently believes 1) perfection is attainable and 2) I will never attain it so I might as well give up on my goals. My perfectionist voice looks at messages of “You are enough” and “It’s okay to make mistakes” and scoffs at them. It tells me, “Perhaps that is acceptable for other people, not for you.” As I write these words I can see very clearly how absolutely ridiculous such a mentality is, but does that change my perfectionist beliefs and the words of my inner voice? No, it does not.
That is because over the years I haven’t really challenged that voice. I may put up a feeble attempt every now and then, but I have largely allowed that voice to rule my mind with authoritarian control. My goal this year and the next is to challenge that voice more strongly and consistently. After all, the bright side of things is that the brain is plastic, meaning that it is malleable and capable of change. All that is required is consistent repetition of new messages over long stretches of time, i.e. how habits are formed. Me thinking in perfectionist ways is really nothing more than a mental habit, albeit a very strong mental habit reinforced over many years. Changing this habit will require that same level of commitment.
Writing is one of the ways that I confront my perfectionist tendencies. Because when I write, I am directly challenging that inner notion of “What you’re writing isn’t perfect, thus you might as well not even bother.” I am rarely satisfied with what I write, because it can always be improved on. However, when I write and then publish something on here, it is still gratifying because although imperfect, I have still created something. I am allowing myself room to breathe, room to be a little messy, just room, period.