Windy Day

It’s a gorgeous grey, windy day today and I sit here watching the trees sway as a river of wind flows through their bare branches. The wind shakes the branches like maracas, flings them this way and that, bends them to the point that they look like they’ll break, but they do not. They are strong and alive even though their leaves are dead.

I sip my hot cider feeling content in my warm house, swaddled in blankets, watching this frenzied action through my rain-streaked window. On windy days like this the air feels energetic and brimming with power. Despite my current level of comfort, watching the turbulence outdoors fills me with the desire to step out into that air, and fill myself with its chaotic energy.

Days like this fill me with energetic peace: a harmonious state where tranquility and upheaval coexist.

 

 

 

 

Art Source

Subversion

When the world envelops you
in cold and dark,
fire up your sanguine spirit,
reignite your blithe voice within,
look your demon in the eye,
don’t fear it.

Disregard the nasty words
it spews,
and look at the source of hurt,
Face the pain
and take its power,
squeeze it and invert.

Fuel yourself on the flames
that burned you,
rise like a phoenix reborn,
Let yourself bloom sweet
like a rose,
but never forget your thorns.

 

 

Word of the Day: Nasty

Word of the Day: Sanguine

Some Thoughts on Reading

When I was a child, I used to fantasize about spending the whole day in the library, gorging myself on book after book. Library visits with my mom were never long enough, I just wanted to sit there all day on the comfy bean bag chairs and lose myself in stories. I was addicted (in a sense) to reading – when I was at home, I would spend blissful days sitting with a pile of books next to me, steadily making my way through them one by one. I loved submerging myself in the myriad of worlds that existed in my books.

I kept reading with such enthusiasm until about my last year of high school.  I had read so many books that many of them were too predictable. I started half-finishing books and skipping ahead to read the ending. Around this time I also discovered how interesting non-fiction writing could be as well, and so I went on a fiction diet, which lasted for quite a few years. However, the non-fiction I was reading was more so to gain knowledge and information, and as such it took more mental effort, and so I wasn’t able to lose myself in books as I did before.

I realized recently that my desire to engulf myself in other worlds has transferred from books to TV. Instead of binging on books, I now binge on TV episodes. That escapism is much less satisfying though, because after watching a lot of TV I just feel guilty for wasting time. Also with TV, I feel like I am just passively consuming content that is being thrown at me. With books I feel like I am actively engaging with the content: whether it be in the form of learning new information, or thinking about new ideas, or in the case of fiction, actively imagining what the world and characters are like.

And so I’ve started bringing reading back into my life. Because it’s been difficult to find fiction that enthralls me as much as fiction did when I was young, I’ve started going for a category of books that often have the story aspect of fiction, but are all the more interesting and less predictable because they are real: biographies. I’ve been especially interested in biographies that take place before the 21st century, because reading about a different time is almost like reading about another world (which in a sense, I guess it was).

Now, every morning while I’m eating breakfast (also a new habit), I spend some time reading. It’s been such a nice, calming way to start the day while also being somewhat productive in the sense that while I’m feeding my stomach, I’m also feeling myself on words and ideas and different perspectives on life.

When I’m reading a book that I’m truly engrossed in, I’m once more transported to the cozy, glorious days of my childhood. 🙂

 

Side note: The illustration is from one of my favorite books as a child, Matilda by Roald Dahl. 🙂

Word of the Day: Glorious

Tea Time

I tried to fill myself with courage,
but it trickled out.
I put on a mask of self-confidence,
but it morphed into doubt.

I tried to put my fears to bed,
but now they’re bouncing in my head.
I placed a band-aid on my pain,
but now it’s bleeding out like rain.

I tried to bring peace into my heart,
but my worries are cracking it apart.
I tried to focus on gratitude,
but could only feel disquietude.

So now I’ve given up
and pour tea into my cup
and bathe my face against the steam
and try my best not to scream.

But with every sip I’m pleased to find
that warmth has permeated my mind,
and frustration and irritation
have succumbed to relaxation.

Self-improvement

I’m starting to realize just how important it is for me to get enough natural light this time of year. I had been very lethargic these past couple of weeks and every day I would wake up already feeling anxious and down because of how late it was. It’s been really starting to get to me how it gets so dark so early and I knew I had to make a change.

And so today I forced myself up two hours earlier than I normally wake up. It was a bit rough the first couple of minutes since I had been unable to fall asleep until around 6am last night, but once I was up I felt actually excited to be able to get an extra two hours of daylight! I also didn’t feel anxious at all, which is a very welcome relief.

I feel more energized, more motivated to do things! 🙂 Even though I’m a bit sleep deprived right now I still feel better than I have in a while! My sleep schedule is something that I’ve struggled with for almost a decade at this point, more often than not it is really difficult for me to fall asleep. It is my main reason for wanting to start going to the gym regularly again – two years ago, when I was going to the gym five days a week I noticed that it really helped me sleep easier – working out gave me the chance to get rid of the extra energy in my body that would normally keep me up at night. It also helped me feel productive when I was unemployed and that relaxed some of my anxiety.

This year, my anxiety has really reached new heights. It’s honestly really weird for me because I’ve never been an anxious person. Even in college when I had multiple exams on the same day or when I was behind on papers that were due, I never really felt stressed or anxious. Actually, since I love being tested on my knowledge and I thrive on on having the pressure of an imminent deadline, college was more like a fun challenge for me.

Real life, that is, work life, has been a lot more stressful to me. Especially my last job, which in many respects was a cult of capitalism rather than a job. It really did a number on me, mentally, emotionally, and even physically since I always felt so exhausted after work. Although I actually did enjoy the work I did, and worked with a lot of great people, because of how toxic everything else was, quitting it is still one of the best things I’ve done all year.

Even with all the lethargy I’ve experienced, even with all the other problems I have, every day I’m feeling more and more like myself, like the me I used to be before that hell of a job completely destroyed my mental health. Every day I’m trying to rebuild myself and strengthen myself.

That’s why I’m so happy with how I feel today. Today I feel excited to do things, excited to improve myself. I’m about to get ready to go to the gym right now.

And as I’ve been writing this, the grey sky has parted, and golden beams of sunlight are shining through the trees. 🙂

Learning to Breathe Again

I want to exfoliate my soul,
scrub away all this lingering, leaching
anxiety
clouding my mind like miasma.

This mental pollution is suffocating.

My mind is a factory
constantly working through all hours of the night,
thoughts pumped out like noxious fumes
until all I can see is grey.

Suffocating, I can’t seem to take a full breath.

Shallow inhales, heavy sighs that don’t release
as much as they drown the soul.

Sitting upright, I try to force oxygen in,
but it sputters and stutters
and my lungs remain half full.

And so I flip over,
take out my notebook,
and let my mind trickle down
to the ink being scribbled on the page

No thoughts, no worries,
my breathing slows,
Deepens.

My blood hums with oxygen.

 

Snowy days

It properly snowed for the first time yesterday and now the world looks so much more beautiful! 🙂 I know a lot of people don’t like the snow – and really it is a pain to drive in – but if it’s going to cold anyways, I’d rather have some snow making everything look pretty than just grey, dead dreariness everywhere. Where I live snow is inevitable, so why waste time hating something that’s going to happen whether you like it or not? Winter can already be challenging enough what with the shorter days, seasonal depression, harsh cold, grey weather, etc. – why not appreciate the one part that does make it quite beautiful?

Although I admit I am biased – I’ve always loved snow as a child. I was that kid that would spend hours and hours outside in the winter – building snowmen and snow forts, having snowball fights, making snow angels, and just wandering outside staring at the glistening snow. I also loved placing a couple of snowflakes on my glove and examining their unique geometry and structures. And the best feeling of all was coming back to my warm home after getting cold from being outside for so long. Home never seemed more inviting or more cozy than after a day outside in the snow. 🙂

Yesterday I went on a walk as the snow was falling, and it was marvelous. I love the juxtaposition between the fall leaves that are still on the trees and the white snow covering them and I took a few pictures. 🙂

Here is another picture from my walk:

It was snowing pretty heavily, and you can see one of the ducks flapping its wings to shake off the snow. 🙂

Today, it is not snowing but it is so nice and sunny outside that I absolutely must go outside! Lately I haven’t been going outside as much because it’s been grey and dreary, and I’ve been feeling terribly lethargic, but with this lovely snow I’m actually excited to go out in this 23 degree weather! I’m excited to go to the woods near my house, walk the quiet paths (since it is cold, very few people go outside, which is just another reason I love this time of year), and see the deer and other animals.

And now that I’ve finished my coffee (and writing this post) I’m off! 🙂