Let People’s Doubt In You Motivate You To Prove Them Wrong

Two weeks ago, my ex made some condescending, unsubstantiated remarks towards me that angered me so much, I set out to prove him wrong out of spite and to show him exactly how much I am capable of. He had made judgments about me during one of my most vulnerable times – where I had terrible, exhausting insomnia and consequent sleep deprivation due mostly to my anxious thoughts, many of which were regarding the consequences of our breakup. It was a very demotivating time – I was trying my best to calm my mind and fall asleep, but I just couldn’t – I just tossed and turned for 5, 6, 7 hours.

However, when he said those judgmental, generalizing, untrue remarks to me, something in me snapped. How dare he? He had no idea about what I was going through, the struggles I was dealing with, or the progress I had been making, yet he felt entitled to speak to me in such a degrading way. His arrogant ignorance absolutely enraged me.

And so I used that anger, that indignation. My anger towards him helped burn away the sad, anxious thoughts I had had regarding our breakup. I only got 2-3 hours of sleep for a couple of days so that I could collapse early in the evening with exhaustion. I began taking sleep supplements (these gummies that contain melatonin, L-Theanine, chamomile, passionflower, and lemon balm). Thus, I fixed my sleep schedule and cured my insomnia.

I also started furiously applying for jobs. I drafted cover letters and sent off more applications than ever. And that has paid off as well: currently I have 2 phone interviews scheduled, an in-person interview tomorrow, and another company contacted me just this morning to schedule a phone interview with me.

I could’ve let my ex’s patronizing, negative remarks get me down. I could’ve taken what he said, disregarded that he was speaking from a place of complete ignorance, and really let it hit me and leave me feeling worse about myself. I could’ve drowned myself in depression.

Instead I got angry, indignant, enraged. I took his careless, unkind words and used them as fuel. I took his words as a challenge, an opportunity to show him just how wrong he was.

And I succeeded.

Things are going better than ever for me right now, and now I need to go prepare for my phone interview today. 🙂

 

Working with Insomnia, Fighting against Doubt

I have been dealing with terrible insomnia and related sleep deprivation for the past week or so, and this morning I decided to not let it control what I need to do. I got at most 3 hours of sleep last night before my brain decided it wouldn’t let me rest anymore. After tossing and turning for a while I realized that I was too awake to fall back asleep, so I decided just to start my day and work on my main task for today: applying for jobs.

My brain is kind of foggy because of the lack of sleep, and it’s more difficult than usual to think and write, but I’ve decided to not let not being in the best state keep me from accomplishing my goals. Last week I didn’t really do anything productive because I kept telling myself that I can’t possibly do any work because of how exhausted and foggy-headed I am. I was focused on trying to fix my insomnia and sleep schedule, and I did have some success, however, it looks like this issue isn’t over yet: it takes time to create a new habit. In the meantime, I simply have to do my best with what I’ve got, and what I’ve got is insomnia and a foggy mind.

Having mental fog almost stopped me from applying to a job this morning. I want to apply to jobs that will challenge me, that will help me grow. Because I don’t have a set career path in any direction (all the jobs I’ve had have all been incredibly different), I feel open to pursue all different types of employment opportunities. However, because my years of experience are spread out through various fields instead of just one, this leaves me feeling inadequate and fearful of pursuing opportunities that are a step or two up from entry-level positions.

I had that moment this morning, where in the midst of finishing a cover letter for one of these more challenging positions, I found myself heavily doubting whether I had any right to even apply for such a position. This feeling was further exacerbated by my mental fog – because right now it is more difficult than usual to think clearly, I started doubting my general ability to think clearly, reason, and make informed decisions. My anxiety began increasing, which further propelled the growth of my self-doubt.

I was so close to giving up, from closing my laptop and just completely stopping the process of applying to jobs at all today, when I realized that if I did that, I’d be making a decision based on fear, and that’s not a good reason to make a decision. I had to get my brain back on my side, so I read some motivational articles until I was able to get myself thinking, “Just try. Even if they don’t respond to you, what do you have to lose by applying?” I reminded myself that if I don’t at least try to go for opportunities, I definitely won’t attain them, so I have to at least try.

And so I did. I have currently applied to 2 jobs, and am working on more applications. Despite my insomnia, despite my fear, despite my mental fog, and despite my self-doubt.

And now I’m sipping some coffee and relishing in the fact that its delicious caffeine is circulating through my bloodstream and steadily awakening my brain. 🙂 The sunlight is pouring through my window and I’m ready to get back to work. 🙂

Complete

We used to be a unit, a partnership,
two halves of a whole.
But you broke that bond,
and left me floundering on my own.

Split from you, I was broken,
I felt like a part of myself was gone.
At first.
At first, I was fooled into believing
I needed you to be myself.

Together for so long,
our vines became tightly tangled with each other:
when you ripped yourself away,
how could I not be damaged?

I’ve had to learn that missing you
is not the same as needing you.
Even though I was half of a whole before,
on my own now I am whole.

On my own I am complete.

 

 

Word of the Day: Complete

Be a Dandelion

Be able to grow wherever you are planted.
Be able to stretch your roots deep no matter how hard the soil,
and establish yourself firmly and proudly.
Be able to withstand having no fertilizer given to you:
you do not need nourishment from others in order to bloom.
Be able to survive the driest summers:
while other flowers wilt, you stand as sprightly as ever.
Be able to endure and persist when others give up.
Be able grow back when others try to cut you down:
you have deep roots, it doesn’t matter if your stem is cut.
Be able to be sunny and cheerful, no matter the weather:
keep your brightness regardless of circumstances.
Be able to thrive wherever you are:
if there’s the slightest crack in the sidewalk, you can grow.