Sometimes the best way to come to terms with something negative about ourselves and to change it, is to admit it and write about it. So, this is what I’ve decided to do today (while cringing the entire time). One of the things that I’ve learned about myself this year is that I have a huge issue with people-pleasing. I used to consider this behavior as just being kind and thinking about others, instead of what it really is: letting people walk all over you.
I’ve always had difficulty saying no to people because I feel like I’m letting them down or risking angering them, even when it comes to small things! Even when I sense I’m being illogical in thinking that me saying no to (x) small thing will damage the relationship, this does not stop my paranoid inner voice from insisting on just that. At which point I begin to question am I truly paranoid or is there really some truth to that voice? This thinking loop may lead to me saying yes just because that becomes the path of least resistance, and if I say yes at least then I can stop ruminating on whether I should say no.
Every time I say yes when I don’t want to, I feel like I’ve let myself down. I feel acutely aware that I’m doing something I don’t want to do or speaking in a way that doesn’t actually reflect my values, but the values of those around me. It is a very unpleasant feeling. I usually try to rationalize it by thinking well, I might be sacrificing some integrity, but it’s more important that my interactions with others continue smoothly and peacefully, and well, I didn’t give that much in the end. Which I guess would be fine if I rarely behaved like that, instead of it being my instinctual response. For instance, when someone asks if I could do them a favor, my immediate response is “Yes”, when really it should be “What does it involve?”.
Thus, this year I’m trying to say “No” more, and to wrap my head around the mind-blowing concept (to me), that I am, in fact, not responsible for how other people feel. That is to say, it not my job to make someone happy and try to regulate their emotions for them. I know for some people reading this this may seem incredibly obvious, but it is honestly a difficult concept for me. I am able to read people very easily and able to effortlessly intuit most of the time what they need or what would make them feel at ease. For example, when someone says something awkward in a group setting, I can feel them feel insecure and feel others silently judging them, and I will feel compelled to jump in and “save” them either by saying “oh, you mean (x)” ((x) being a more socially acceptable thing for the particular group) or by quickly changing the subject. Every time, I see the relief and gratitude in the person’s eyes when I do this. Of course, in such a situation I don’t lose any integrity by putting the other person at ease, but there are many situations where I do, and these are the situations where I really need to keep in mind that it is not my job to make others feel at ease.
It is difficult and very uncomfortable for me to go against my people-pleasing instincts, but each time I do (after the initial unpleasant bit) I am rewarded with a feeling of greater self-worth. Each time it is a reminder that growth is horrendously uncomfortable, but 100% worth doing.
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